Learning to Carry Grief: My Personal Journey Through Loss

Where do I start? Grief is an interesting thing.

It is something I have experienced once before with the loss of a friend, but nothing truly prepares you for when it is a family member. Especially someone who was so influential in your life. Someone you have known since the moment you were born. How do you process that?

When I lost my grandmother, it was something incredibly difficult, something I never imagined happening, and something I never thought would happen when it did. I saw her looking forward to so many things for such a long time. I imagined her watching my kids grow up, just as she watched me grow up and become an adult. I was not prepared for the reality of losing her. Who really ever is?

Everything happened so quickly when she became ill. As time has now passed, I have found myself regretting many things. I regret not asking certain questions. I regret not learning more about who she was before she became my grandmother. That part hurts because I wonder how I will describe her to my kids beyond the conversations and memories I have.

She was someone who called me every single day without hesitation. We talked every day at the same time. If I did not answer, she always left me a voicemail, and I still have those voicemails saved even years later. I can still hear her voice answering the phone before I even said hello. There are little things about her that only I would remember, and somehow those are the memories I treasure the most.

She was someone who prayed for me, loved me, and cared for me deeply and I have found myself feeling lost without hearing her voice and not being able to share the things that have gone on. I'm just sad beyond words.

When I think about her now, I realize she shaped so much of who I am. She taught me strength. She taught me resilience. She taught me to care deeply for the people I love. Even though she isn’t here physically, pieces of her continue to live through me every day.

This grief journey has been an interesting one, to say the least. It is something I never thought would affect me the way that it has as I am sure everyone does. My therapist encouraged me to write about it, which is why I am writing this now. Not only as a way to help myself process it, but also as a way to put my feelings into words and let them exist outside of my own mind. This certainly hasn't been easy but I know neccessary.

I want to say that I am not an expert, and I am not a professional. I am not a doctor or someone who has all the answers about grief.

This is simply my personal experience, my own thoughts, and what has helped me through this season of loss. Everyone experiences grief differently, and what helps one person may not be the same thing that helps another.

The truth is, nothing prepares you for losing someone you truly love and care for. I do not think anything can fully prepare you for that kind of loss.

I know that time heals and that things become easier. I am able to continue living my day to day life, but the truth is, I still selfishly wish she was here with me. Sometimes it isn’t the holidays that hurt the most. Sometimes it’s something as simple as wishing I could call her to tell her about my day.

There are so many things I wish I could ask her. So many things I wish I could tell her. As someone who is religious, I find comfort in knowing that maybe she can hear me or see me, but the truth is, we do not fully know what life looks like beyond what we experience here. I believe in God, and I always will. I believe He will never give us something we cannot walk through with Him. We are able to handle and manage difficult things when we trust in Him.

I do not question my faith. I just wish I had all the answers sometimes. But I know we are not meant to have every answer. We are not meant to understand everything beyond this life.

Outside of the pain, I feel incredibly grateful for the time I did have with her. I wish I had more pictures with her during my adulthood, but that is something I cannot change.

One thing that has helped me through this grief is finding comfort in the little moments. Sometimes I find myself talking to her and hoping she can hear me. Sometimes I go back and listen to her voicemails. Sometimes I simply remember the moments we shared and remind myself that she truly loved and cared for me.

She was a tough lady. She was strong and very witty, much like Sophia from The Golden Girls. She could intimidate anyone who looked at her, but those who truly knew her understood that she had a soft heart. She cared deeply for the people who mattered to her, and she would protect them fiercely.

Grief has taught me many things.

It has taught me that I am grateful for the time I spent with her. It has taught me to be more patient, to be more present, and to not always be behind the camera capturing every moment instead of fully living in it.

It has taught me the importance of my kids knowing who I am outside of simply being their mom. My interests, my dislikes, my personality, and all the things that make me who I am. I want them to know me as a whole person.

Grief has taught me to cherish the people who are genuine and true to me. It has taught me the importance of friendships and relationships that are meaningful.

It has taught me to write down my feelings as I experience them. It has taught me to talk about my emotions with people who are willing to listen. It has taught me the importance of keeping memories alive because the people we love leave pieces of themselves with us.

I know my grandmother would be proud of me and the person I have become. I know she would be proud of where I am today and where I am going.

Grief teaches you not to live in the questions of what could have been or what you wish you had done differently. Instead, it teaches you to be grateful for the time you were given.

And that is what I am choosing to hold onto.

Maybe that is how we honor the people we love. We continue living in a way that carries pieces of them into the future.

To my Golden Girl,

Grandma.. I love you, and I miss you. I miss your voice, your calls, your prayers, and the way you always made sure I knew I was loved. Thank you for every conversation, every lesson, every memory, and every moment you gave me. Thank you for being such an important part of my life and for leaving behind a love that I will carry with me forever.

I hope you know how much you meant to me and how much I will always cherish you. I will continue sharing your memory, telling my kids about you, and making sure they know the kind of person you were. You will always be a part of who I am.

If you are walking through grief, I want to encourage you to talk to someone. Whether that is a trusted friend, family member, counselor, therapist, or someone who is simply willing to sit with you and listen. You do not have to carry it alone.

Grief looks different for everyone. Give yourself patience, give yourself grace, and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come with it. The love we have for someone does not disappear when they are gone. It simply changes, and we learn how to carry that love with us in a new way.

You are not alone, and even in the hardest moments, there can still be moments of peace, gratitude, and healing.